The True Meaning of Labor Pain
by fictionalcandie
Summary: Events transpire to redefine a certain phrase in Lily's mind. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer:** The characters, locations and elements of Harry Potter are the creative and legal property of J.K. Rowling, who I am not, and also to some extent the legal property of certain high-powered resource publishing conglomerates, who I am definitely not, and their affiliates, who I am also not. I mean no copyright infringement by and am deriving no profit from the creation and self-publication of this small bit of fiction; merely enjoyment.

**Author's Notes:** I wrote this in well under an hour for my darling Bexer's birthday, so I can't exactly vouch for the quality of it. But it amused me. Now go forth, read, enjoy, and then don't forget to review!

**Warnings:** Crack!fic ahead, beware of much silliness.

**o.o.o.o**

When Harry Potter was born, his father was in the delivery room with his mother, and his godfather was across the street in a soon-to-be-out-of-business bagel shoppe.

Originally, Sirius Black had been in the waiting room with Remus and Peter, who were both being properly supportive of a frantic-to-the-point-of-hairpulling James, who would occasionally appear and spout something unintelligible involving "PAIN!" and, once or twice, "PLACENTA!" and then rush right back in (usually because his wife could be heard screaming for him). But, after the twelfth time that Sirius had burst in on Lily with his own brand of helpful advice, which mostly involved anecdotes about dogs in labor that no-one wanted to ask him how he knew, James'd had Remus and Peter drag him out and leave him on the sidewalk.

Not, that is to say, that he'd _stayed_ there.

In fact, he hadn't stayed there the first eight times his friends had kicked him out of the hospital; it was only when James'd gotten the hospital security guards to kick him out, that he stayed gone.

Sirius still thought that had been a bit unfair, personally.

But, he knew a hint when one hit him upside the head with a crowd-control baton, so he wandered across the street -- cleverly not waiting for a pause in traffic -- and bought himself several cups of highly sweetened tea and a half of a plain bagel. A bit inglorious, given that he was soon to be a baby's godfather, but he just couldn't afford cream cheese.

Meanwhile, back in the delivery room, Lily had been quite glad not to have Sirius hanging around. It was only once her red faced, vocally unhappy baby had been cleaned up and put into her admittedly tired arms, that Lily had looked up at her husband and asked warmly, though without much curiosity, "Where's Sirius?"

Her husband had hemmed and hawed for a moment, before admitting to which location he'd relegated his friend.

"You sent him outside?" cried Lily, more surprised than anything else. James nodded. She turned her head and looked over at the window. "But it's pouring rain!"

"It's summer, Lily," James assured her gently, smiling to indicate that it didn't matter to _him_ if his best friend caught pneumonia; they were already at the hospital, anyway. He said as much, but when she looked at him disapprovingly, he added, "And besides, Sirius is mostly waterproof."

Unfortunately, Lily still looked skeptical, so James hurried off to bring in Remus and Peter, with high hopes of distracting her. Of course, he might have considered better, for the sight of three Marauders in one room will always engender questions as to the whereabouts of the fourth -- a fact which would have been very useful for them to notice at any point after their third year at Hogwarts. (And they wondered why McGonagall was always so suspicious when they smiled innocently at her, while Peter was off rigging the toilets near the Slytherin common room to explode.)

Remus and Peter spent several minutes cooing over their Marauder-nephew, and Lily and James beamed proudly at their son. When they'd both asked to hold Harry, and both been firmly turned down by James, Lily glanced around.

"Aren't you going to invite Sirius back in?" she asked, having noted the glaringly obvious continued absence of James's best friend. Harry took a break from his athletic screaming to gurgle something.

James, Remus and Peter all peered quickly out the window. Remus smirked, and James said, "No."

"But, James--" protested Lily, as energetically as she could, given that she'd just endured ten hours of labor, and did not in fact particularly care one way or the other if Sirius came up.

"Don't need to," James interrupted her calmly, reaching over and picking up his son. Harry recommenced wailing.

The door burst open.

"Ah-ha!" cried Sirius, dripping water all over the floor. He was grinning. "I knew it! Is it my turn to hold him yet?"

Lily blinked at him blankly.

"Hullo, Sirius," said Peter, smiling widely. James, who hadn't looked up from Harry, shook his head, indicating that no, it wasn't Sirius's turn yet.

"How did you know?" demanded Lily, regaining her voice. She didn't specify which black-haired man she was talking to, so Sirius assumed it was him. He pointed out the window.

"The rain got worse," he replied, with a look on his face that suggested he found this to be a perfectly logical explanation. Then he added, as if it were an afterthought, "And, I finished my tea."

Lily shook her head disbelievingly. But, apparently wise enough not to expect sense from a drenched Sirius, turned to her husband. "How did _you_ know?"

"Well, we didn't see him out the window. And it was really only a matter of time before he came back in again, anyway," answered James, looking very pleased with himself for knowing these things. "Hospital security'd only scare him off until he was caffeinated."

There was a pause, and then, "What do you mean, _again_?"

James's smile became rather weak suddenly. "Oh, Sirius, want to hold him now?" he asked, hopefully, quickly turning away from his wife.

"Sirius is soaking wet!" shrieked Lily, glaring at the deranged man holding his newborn son.

Sirius looked at her, his expression monumentally clueless. "So?"

Remus covered his face with his hand, to prevent Sirius seeing the amused expression there, as Lily seethed and hissed, "Give me my son back, James."

"Yes, dear." Gingerly, James handed Harry over, regarding his frazzled wife as if he thought she might suddenly explode.

"... And call hospital security."

Sirius groaned. "Oh, not _aga_--."


End file.
